thou shall not kill or steal or bear false witness or covet your neighbor's stuff can stay.
and i would add: > there are all ways to god > all of god's people are created equal (even the gay ones) > there is faith and then there is science, please don't confuse the two > be very careful when you say you are doing things in my name - that doesn't excuse evil > thou shalt love texas football > keep an open mind
I was going to give a real answer, but I'll just take mine from my actual church, the Lapse Catholic Church started by Denis Leary.
"Thou shalt not? Fuck that, though fuckin' shall.
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody, you can do whatever the...FUCK you want in my church.
But you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia. No fuckin' way, pal. You stand naked in the middle of Times Square with a big neon sign saying "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fuckin' assholes.
And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the Virgin Mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. She pistol-whips you, then she sets your dick on fire, okay?"
Thou shalt not overcharge for health care (why the eff does an MRI cost $25,000???). Thou shalt not give a shit what goes on in other people's bedrooms. Thou shalt not expand the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. Thou shalt not treat minor drug offenders as terrorists. Thou shalt institute a college football playoff. Thou shalt outlaw naming rights (I'm sick of the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, etc). Thou shalt institute congressional term limits. Now. Thou shalt lift ridiculously archaic liquor laws...if I can buy beer, wine and liquor in a grocery store in California, please explain to me why I have to go to a state run store in Pennsylvania to get wine and liquor, but then an entirely separate state run store to buy beer? This is just the beginning...don't even get me started on closing times or blue laws...lookin' at you, Connecticut.
- Thou shalt not meddle in women's reproductive decisions. - Thou shalt pay women and men equally. - Thou shalt make 5 weeks of vacation mandatory and everyone shall have their birthday off. - Thou shall give every American access to quality, affordable healthcare. - Thou shall brand all rapists with a "R" on their forehead. - Thou shall not charge for luggage on airlines. - Thou shall include Showtime and HBO among basic cable channels.
i would say- "your name isnt god, thats my name, so dont try and do my job and judge people because i promise, i think you suck at some things too. get over yourself."
10 comments:
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor nation's oil reserves.
thou shall not kill or steal or bear false witness or covet your neighbor's stuff can stay.
and i would add:
> there are all ways to god
> all of god's people are created equal (even the gay ones)
> there is faith and then there is science, please don't confuse the two
> be very careful when you say you are doing things in my name - that doesn't excuse evil
> thou shalt love texas football
> keep an open mind
1) Thou shalt choose one food from which no calories shall ever accumulate.
I am the Lord thy Janice. Thou shalt not worship any supermodels before me.
Thou shalt not worship false idols ... unless they won the Olympic Gold Medal in Men's Figure Skating at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics
Thou shalt honor thy gin and thy tonic.
I was going to give a real answer, but I'll just take mine from my actual church, the Lapse Catholic Church started by Denis Leary.
"Thou shalt not? Fuck that, though fuckin' shall.
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody, you can do whatever the...FUCK you want in my church.
But you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia. No fuckin' way, pal. You stand naked in the middle of Times Square with a big neon sign saying "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fuckin' assholes.
And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the Virgin Mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. She pistol-whips you, then she sets your dick on fire, okay?"
Like Cate, I'd like to keep the don't kill, don't steal, don't lie and don't be a hater commandments.
In addition:
Thou shall not be judge-y.
Thou shall help those less fortunate.
Thou shall be respectful of others.
Thou shall drink canned champagne.
Mine?
Thou shalt not overcharge for health care (why the eff does an MRI cost $25,000???).
Thou shalt not give a shit what goes on in other people's bedrooms.
Thou shalt not expand the NCAA tournament to 96 teams.
Thou shalt not treat minor drug offenders as terrorists.
Thou shalt institute a college football playoff.
Thou shalt outlaw naming rights (I'm sick of the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, etc).
Thou shalt institute congressional term limits. Now.
Thou shalt lift ridiculously archaic liquor laws...if I can buy beer, wine and liquor in a grocery store in California, please explain to me why I have to go to a state run store in Pennsylvania to get wine and liquor, but then an entirely separate state run store to buy beer? This is just the beginning...don't even get me started on closing times or blue laws...lookin' at you, Connecticut.
I love all of these!
I would add:
- Thou shalt not meddle in women's reproductive decisions.
- Thou shalt pay women and men equally.
- Thou shalt make 5 weeks of vacation mandatory and everyone shall have their birthday off.
- Thou shall give every American access to quality, affordable healthcare.
- Thou shall brand all rapists with a "R" on their forehead.
- Thou shall not charge for luggage on airlines.
- Thou shall include Showtime and HBO among basic cable channels.
...wow, this is fun. I could keep going...
1) Treat as want to be treated
2) Eat chocolate every single day
3) All of tamika's commandments
4) Don't forget about family
i would say- "your name isnt god, thats my name, so dont try and do my job and judge people because i promise, i think you suck at some things too. get over yourself."
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